If you’re guilty, go outside, turn around three times, and curse — or spit. We need change. We do not need the wrath from the whatever from high atop the thing.

For my first trick, I shall attempt to go year by year, starting in 1975, and talk about the movies that I think are the best, performing two full rotations in mid air, over men and horses, hoops and garters, lastly, through a hogshead of real fire, landing in this half-filled glass of water.

A splendid time is guaranteed for all.

Their son was traveling in Vancouver in July and used his AirCard to access the Internet around 21 times.  Turns out Vancouver is technically in some foreign country called “Ca-na-da,” which means all those charges were international charges.  When the bill came, it was 200 pages long and weighed in at a back breaking $19,370.

The family is trying to get AT&T to give them a break because they didn’t warn them when the bill topped $1,000, since no family can reasonably be expected to know and understand its own phone plan or monitor its own spending.  Barring a favorable resolution with the phone conglomerate, the Terrys will likely become fugitives, living off the land, roaming the earth like Kain from Kung Fu, but in a station wagon.  Unless they have to sell it to pay that phone bill.

When the jerks at Subway locked him out of the store, Peterson fought back.  He called 911 again — this time to report that he was outside, but his sandwiches were inside.  “As I’m on the phone with you, the employee came here and locked the freaking door, and they got both of the sandwiches they did not made right inside the store,” Peterson said, as the 911 operator typed up his complaint on her imaginary typewriter.

And when the lazy, donut-eating, fat cops didn’t come fast enough, Peterson fought back.  He called 911 yet again.  He’d been waiting long enough; those sandwiches weren’t getting any saucier, and he wasn’t getting any closer to them.

Finally, the police showed up.  They tried to explain to the sandwich-loving citizen that 911 is hardly ever the right way to solve sauce-related disputes.  Peterson was eventually arrested on one count of criminal assholism.

Know what’s even cooler?  Getting to do that for my actual friends.  Kat Duarte, whose alter ego writes bad-ass book reviews with yours truly over at Static Multimedia, is releasing her first novel tomorrow, and if you don’t buy a copy, you’ll succumb to male-pattern baldness and you’ll never get that promotion at work.  It’s got hot chicks, werewolves, vampires, and coffee — what the hell more could you ask for?

Check out Kat Duarte’s new novel Rise of the Wolf, available from Eternal Press.  And join her to discuss the novel Thursday, August 7, 2008, from 7pm to 9pm Central time.

Not only is this inspired and awesome, but it’s coming soon to a book shelf near you.  Ballantine Books will be releasing a collection of Garfield Minus Garfield strips along with Garfield’s 30th Anniversary book this October.  Jim Davis, Garfield’s creator, seems to dig the project — in fact, he says Walsh made him slap his head a few times when he realized he could have left a panel out for a funnier joke.  Imagine how hard he’ll slap himself if he ever finds out there are funnier things than lasagna.

You want MINE.

Myxer.com, home of the ass-kickingest free cell phone goodies around, brings you MINE.  MINE’s got TV, movie, and music goodness, comic book coolness, crazy-ass weirdness, and talented, humble contributors like Mur Lafferty, JC Hutchins, Jared Axelrod, and, um, me.  If you dig any of these things (see what I did there?), you’ll dig MINE.

Dig Dug - YTCracker

The humiliation I predicted last week was dished out, but not the way I expected.  This was Kathy’s week to choose, and she moved us off the kitchen table and on to the GameCube for a night of Mario Kart: Double Dash. Tiny Dancer wrecked us.  We raced 12 times;  kid won 8.  Kathy and I traded second place finishes fairly evenly, but the night certainly belonged to Tiny Dancer.

After leaving tire tracks and grease stains all over her parents, Tiny Dancer wasn’t finished, at least with me.  She dragged me into Mario Kart’s battle modes for more beatings.  After several spirited bouts of Shine Sprite tag and Bob-omb lobbing, she dropped me 7-5.

Still, Little League rules apply, so everyone got ice cream whether they won or not.  Tiny Dancer gets to pick the game next week, which can only mean worse things for me.  And think how things will go for me in two weeks when she turns seven.

So I am over the moon excited about next year’s Watchmen movie.  I’m counting down right along with the clock on the site, and I’ve watched the trailer about 20 times already.